Self Q&A #LateReflection

There are a couple of things I’m sometimes seriously, almost physically, afraid of; feeling inadequate, not delivering what’s been requested, not achieving That goal, not knowing how to deal with That particular behavior…the perfectionist keeps screaming in my head. I have had a big share of that over this summer and though I got reminders (mainly external) that I just need to go easy on myself from time to time, it was the finality of loss that woke me to another truth: life happens now. I won’t discuss fairness, as that depends on the systems we survive in – yes, fair should be one and only for all, but it isn’t. Tough.
I won’t discuss grief either, since we all have different ways of dealing with it and learning from it. And each of them is perfectly correct and fine.

My mind works in questions, so the inevitable sequence of ‘what happened? – are you ok with it? – how can you use it?” just sprang out. I would really like to say that I know the reason why things happen and save myself and everyone the trouble, but I don’t know. And that got me thinking; am I supposed to know? Probably not. Or not yet. In my mind, we are here to do three things: discover, create and share. We can do all three simultaneously, too. That is my current short term plan.

As September was coming to its end, a new set of boxes formed in my mind (I’ve stopped numbering those, completely pointless after years of thinking). Actually, they were more like drawers this time.

What happened? You’ve lost someone dear to you. Not unexpectedly, yet loss is always a hand that dives into your chest and clenches your breath. Then releases and clenches again every time you are reminded of the moment and the connection.

Are you ok with it? Ultimately, yes. Everyone, everywhere loses someone or something daily. No matter how sorrowful each minute feels, it is hard to dismiss that you are still here. Instead of standing in grief, move forward in light.

How can you use it? The idea of hiding. Do you really believe it possible? Whether fortunate or unfortunate, superbly telltale eyes and persistent jittery fingers don’t leave you many options. You know this, you’ve been here before. Not to mention how it throws right out your efforts to build trust.
We can’t be happy all the time, but we still think, work and produce. And when your goal is to impart a bit of knowledge, is there anything better than sharing this truth? Is there anyone better other than your partners in learning to share it with?

Accept and share. It looked like this:

 

Drawing on a recent comment on this blog, I remain stubbornly positive. Here’s to you, my dear learners.

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2 comments on “Self Q&A #LateReflection

  1. Zhenya says:

    Christina, thank you for the post, for sharing your reflection and turning your pain into a lesson. What you wrote is a reminder to me. Especially this part: ‘it was the finality of loss that woke me to another truth: life happens now’. Yes, it does. ‘Weighing’ what’s important, what’s really important and what is not – is a skill, or art. Your questions are super helpful (perhaps our job is helpful to be ‘in the moment’ more than others…) Just wanted to drop by and say that your post was very thought-provoking to me! Zhenya

  2. ChristinaC says:

    Thank you Zhenya for dropping by and reading through 🙂
    Those questions have been ‘super helpful’ to me and I had to share them. Bouncing thoughts is what this is all about and I’m so happy to know I have provoked some!
    Yes, being ”in the moment” is certainly a big part of what we do and so is taking the time to let all moments sit in and work for us. We live in perpetual pursuit of balance.

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